RIP Edna Janes

Rest in Peace,
Edna Ann Janes,
You brought joy to my life and heart.
I will always remember you,
My baby.
Dance with Jesus, now, My love.
I've written you a poem.

Remembering.

Yesterday she was fine.
Yesterday the slow and awkward students
Washed her,
Cleaned her,
Gave her a bed bath.
Yesterday she was normal.

Today she was screaming.
Today she wouldn't swallow.
Today she was gurgling.
Today she was crying,
Invisible tears.

Yesterday she was confused.
Yesterday...
I don't even remember yesterday.
Yesterday is drowned out,
By the memory of today.

Today she was hysterical.
Today she wanted her Daddy.
Today she knew.

Premonition.

10:00 A.M. this morning,
I knew too.
I knew this was the beginning,
Of the end.
Around 2:20 this afternoon,
Everyone knew.
We just didn't know it would be so soon.
We weren't ready.

Flashbacks.

It's all so clear.
The whole scene.
Edna.
Me.
Life.
Death.

Questions.

What does it mean?
What's it like?
Is she happy?
This is it.
The end.

Flashbacks.

I stand over her,
Her daughter-in-law near.
Holding the Oxygen Saturation Monitor,
Trying to get a reading.
55, it says.
Too low.
Way too low.
It's been that way for hours.
Probably all day.
I check her skin,
It isn't mottling.
Face turning a faint green.
Her tongue is puffy, dry.

Protests.

Spare me the gruesome details.
I didn't want to know that.
Too much information.
But no,
Sorry.
This is death.
This is what happens.
This is where we're going.
Are we ready?
Was she ready?

More flashbacks.

I tell the nurse.
Recheck the oxygen,
She says.
Nail polish on the fingernails
Can affect the reading.
Funny,
Edna never wore nail polish
Once in her life
Before she came to me.
Try it this way,
The nurse tells me.

I walk back to 223, bed 2.
Not knowing her fate.
Not knowing my state.
Am I ready?
Yes.

She's still breathing.
I stand over her again,
Try it the nurse's way.

Flatline.

I sigh,
Try it the nurse's way again,
Different finger.

Flatline.

That way doesn't work,
I say to the daughter-in-law.
I try it my way again.

Flatline.

Disbelief sweeps across me,
As I realize
It's no fault
Of the machine.
Death.
There.
Already.
Was she ready?
Am I ready?

Emotions.

Fear,
Amazement,
Shock,
Disbelief,
Relief,
Confusion,
They overwhelm my senses.
Was she ready?

Vivid flashbacks.

I'm staring at her face,
Watching it go slack.
Muscles in her neck spasm.
Emptiness.
Sweaty warmth.
Quiet.
Peace.

I think she's gone,
Couragously,
I finally whisper.
What?
There is no reading on the monitor,
I get out.
It's silent, until:
There is no pulse in her neck,
She says.
There is no pulse in her wrists,
I confirm.
She looks at me,
And says:
She went peacefully.
But was she ready?
I wonder.
Yes.

Emotions.

I am in shock.
I am in disbelief.
I am grieved.
I am relieved.

Flashback.
Reality check.

I step out of the room,
Life is going on as usual.
Lucile Gilmore tries to grab me
Begging me to take her home.
Jeff is walking Kathleen Bailey
Down the hall to get her exercise.
The housekeepers are jibbering in Spanish
With their carts blocking the hallway.
Life.
All around me.
Death.
Behind me.
Am I ready?

More questions.
More flashbacks.

How do I proceed?
What do I say?
Butterflies in my stomach.
Heart in my throat.
Weak knees.

She's gone.
I tell the nurse.
She throws her pen.
Disbelief.
The room erupts in shock.
Mirroring my emotions.

The nurse confirms.
She's gone.

I glance at the body.
Edna's body.
Once full of life
Now, lifeless.
White curly hair.
Tan skin.
Wrinkles.
It's all hers.
It was hers.

Questions.
Real,
Haunting,
Scary,
Questions.

Am I ready?
Was she ready?
What does that even mean?

To transition,
From life,
To death?

Am I ready?
Are we ready?
How can we be sure?

Answer.

Faith.
In Jesus.

Reality check.

Death is real.
I see that now.
Death takes away.
I've known that.
Death teaches us.
But how?
Death gives.
But what?

Death teaches.
Teaches to be ready.
What does that even mean?

Death can give life.
Life eternal.
If we accept it.
What does that even mean?

Jesus.
He is the answer.
Knowing him.
Knowing He is the answer.
Edna knew.
Do we know?
Yes,
I do.

Are we ready?
Was she ready?
Am I ready?
Yes,
I am.

Rebellion.
Sin.

But I don't want Jesus.
I want life.
My own life,
We say.

Where does that life lead?
He begs.
Excitement,
We say.
Adventure,
We cry.
Freedom,
We anthem.
Certainly not.
It can't be.

But if not,
Then what?
Why is Jesus the only way?

Truth.

Because.
With Jesus,
There is hope.
Peace.
Joy.

I know.
Edna knew.
Do you?

But without Jesus?
Pain.
Hopelessness.
Depression.
Anxiety.
Anger.
Bitterness.
All products of this world,
All products of the enemy,
Who wants you to think that you know.
But do you?
Do I?
Yes,
I do.

If it were so,
Why is life so fleeting?
How can it come,
And go?
In minutes,
Seconds,
Without so much
As a word.

Purpose.
How can it pass,
Just like that.
With calm,
Or with peace.
With starvation,
Or with dehydration.
How can it be?
Is that where life leads?
Is that where it all ends?
No,
It can't be.
We were created for more,
He promises.
Life with Him,
Forever,
He tells us.

If life here were all,
If life here was what we were made for,
It would last.
It would endure.
It would surpass.

The Final Question.

Is there hope?
Yes.
Is the grave the end?
No.

It's a life that surpasses.
It's a life that endures.
It's a life that lasts.
But how?
Jesus.
Faith.
Knowing.

Death took Edna,
In the blink of an eye.
But she went to Jesus.
Yes,
She did.
She knew.

When death takes me,
In the blink of an eye,
Will I go to Jesus?
Yes, I will.
Because I know.

When death takes you,
In the blink of an eye,
Will you go to Jesus?
Well,
Will you?
Do you know?

Hope.

Edna dances.
Edna flies.
Edna sings.
With Jesus.

I dance.
I fly.
I sing.
With Jesus.

Will you dance?
Will you fly?
Will you sing?
Choose Jesus.
Now.
Before death takes you,
In the blink of an eye.

I don't know where these words came from. Aside from the Holy Spirit. I implore you to think on this. These words are not my own, they're Jesus'. I have every faith, I truly, truly do. I've never felt so sure of anything.
That's why I'm as many people as I can. Because this is truth.